Sunday, June 14, 2009
What's Not On The Label
My dreams of a life outside this cage
come blurred, mouth foaming and body numb.
It stiffens when they come and inject their needles.
I don't know what they're doing
or why they're doing it to me-
why I'm here, or if I'll ever leave.
They tell me "it's okay,"
that I'm a good boy,"
while softly petting me
and fill my veins with a poison that slowly
pulls me in and out of nightmares
sometimes more soothing than images in my conscious mind.
I don't want to be here
but I know nothing else.
I used to feel lonely
but now I can't feel anything,
my body so impaired that when my heart beats my limbs shake.
And later, a man sits cross-legged at his kitchen table drinking expensive tea with his beautiful wife. "After all that work, the damn medicine turned out not to even work. Had to toss the whole experiment into the garbage."
And while he sips, the beagle lies alone in his cage. His lungs collapsed, no longer allowing air into his body. No photo montage of a life-well lived flashes before his eyes, but as his eyes slowly close, he's comforted by his reoccurring dream of a small boy laughing and playing with him, his tail wagging happily each morning as he's lovingly hugged at the neck.
The child lets go, and the beagle's eye-lids fall shut.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Things have been going great lately. I joined a martial arts gym and have been kickboxing every day. For the most part my diet is back in control, although every 2-3 days I get an uncontrollable urge for sugar (I'm battling some kind of "detox eating disorder" from post bodybuilding training, my body lacked carbs for so long I get these uncontrollable craving now that the only thing I can do is fulfill them). I have been able to start doing things that make me happy again; horseback riding, reading, writing, and drawing. AND, I have gotten involved with PETA and am working on starting a Wallingford-Cheshire Animal Rights Group (stay tuned for more information). I have my dream truck, I am very close to having my dream house ( a cabin-like two floor house in the woods with a huge porch and a yard). My job's good- I work at basically a spa so when I'm not personal training or teaching aerobics, I can be working out, playing basketball, or in the sauna/steamroom. AND, finally, I'm on a great routine, up early and in bed early(ish).
The con's of this life are as follows;
The more I find myself, the more distant I become from my friends.
It's like this: everybody goes out on Thursdays and Fridays, and Saturdays, and I'd rather be kickboxing, or working out, or working, or trying to save money. I'd rather be volunteering, or outside, reading, or horseback riding. Unfortunately those are all hobbies that are not shared with my friends, and they're mostly things to do alone. I find it hard to relate and connect with other people. Have you read before in my previous blog posts that living like this is lonely?
The economy stinks right now, so even though my jobs great, the hours aren't. It's to the point where I have to decide "gas or groceries." It's even harder now as a vegetarian, having to buy organic soy products and expensive whole foods, fruits, and vegetables.
I have no idea how I'm going to afford my truck and house. I haven't had a full tank of gas since I got my truck.
I have a lot of free time, and I'm using it for me, but it costs money. Kickboxing costs money. It costs money to drive to kickboxing all the way in Rocky Hill. Even if I had people calling me to go out and do things, I wouldn't be able to because I literally have no money in my bank account. All my new hobbies take up time, which I could use to work another job. My other jobs make it almost impossible for me to have another job because the hours are so random and scattered.
It's tough living at home. I got along better with my parents when I didn't see them every single day, all the time, and they weren't in my life and business 100%. I think this is true for every parent/kid relationship. I need to get out.
I'm trying to stay positive. I'm having fun, enjoying having the chance to "find out who I am" and finally feel like I have a purpose again. Unfortunately, money means everything in life. Those who say that money doesn't = happiness obviously haven't really struggled with it that badly. Money isn't everything, but it definitely is important in life. I just wish I could find a way to make a little bit more so the stress could be lifted off my shoulders.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Hello everyone... I'm happy to say that I'll be back posting on this blog and taking a break from my fitness blog. For those of you who followed my fitness blog, I'm sorry I haven't been updating it... I have started a few new more "professional" jobs and have chosen to keep my own personal fitness endeavors private for now. You may see me update it at so e point next year if I decide to try and body-build again in the spring, but that seems doubtful as of right now. Feel free to contact me with any fitness questions if you previously used my blog as a resource.
So what's been going on in my life outside of fitness? I'm working a lot, personal training a lot of new clients and also working with the town of Cheshire a lot more now since it's the summer. I love that job- having the chance to make a positive impact on the kids and be a role model for some of them who don't have anyone to look up to.
Other than that, all of my hobbies have mostly been fitness related; I just joined a martial arts gym, something I have always been wanting to do (spirit, mind, body is what I always tell my clients). Martial arts are great for people in so many ways other than physical fitness, and I'll be taking classes in boxing, kickboxing, Muy Tai, Ju Jitzu, and grappling, all in a weekly basis. I'll be attending 5-7 classes next week alone.
I have also been doing a lot more for myself. Reading, writing, drawing, writing music and playing the guitar, and spending more time at the barn with the horses. I was there yesterday and today, trying to ride and take care of Trigger, one of the horses at the barn who my family takes care of, as much as I can.
I also am slowly but surely converting to vegetarianism. The only reason that I'm enduring a slow conversion is because I have $150 worth of non vegetarian food in my fridge, and I need to finish that so I don't waste the money. The switch for me is not for health reasons, but 100% in protest of animal cruelty. This is something that I have always been passionate about, but never became a vegetarian because of bodybuilding and my overdosing consumption of animal proteins. I'm smart, I know nutrition well, and I can certainly maintain muscle while not eating chicken, steak, and turkey anymore. This switch is not hard for me at all.
Although I love chicken, I'm to the point now where I feel guilty eating it, and if you know me, you know my biggest pet peeve about people is those who talk the talk but don't walk the walk. I can't stand it when people watch the documentaries and videos on YouTube about inhumane slaughterhouses, complain and act sorrowful about them, and then proceed to get a burger for dinner that same night. I've complained and felt sorrowful for these animals, and I'm done being a part of the pain they go through.
I have about 4 boxes of Purdue chicken and some deli-meat left in the fridge. After that's gone, I'm done with all meat (besides fish). Most people would think I'd be savoring that food, but I'm not. I can't wait for it to be gone. I'm not looking at it as my last chicken ever, I'm looking at it as "this food should never have been produced and put on grocery store shelves in the first place."
I'm learning to like veggie and chick'n, they actually go great in whole wheat pitas.
I'll leave you with a video; please watch it and comment. Check out www.PETA.org for more info.