Wednesday, February 25, 2009


                  The man walks. The man, plump and bright approaches the Volkswagen. Sees his reflection—shudders then chuckles.

                  The keys come in full force across the sky. Magically, they jingle across the parking lot and into his palm. He unlocks the door, opens it. One bare foot in, than the other. Suddenly, one bare foot out, than the other. He wonders where his sandals have gone. He shudders, then chuckles, wiggles his toes and gets out.

                  Magic again as the doors mysteriously lock without the jingling keys. He is enlightened. He is at peace.

                  He sits on the roof of the wagon. Calm and still, he is interrupted by a salesman. He pleas for a sale but there is no success.  He shudders, then chuckles, takes back the keys, and goes back inside. And the sacred man is lost in thought. Sandals pass through his mind, taking away pain from pebbles lodged in the bottom of his feet and between his toes.

                  The earth spins at its axis. Somewhere, a baby is born. Then another. Cars move in and out of the lot, yet he remains silent and distant.

                  A crowd gathers.  The crowd points at a man, plump and bright, who sits indian style on the roof of a Volkswagen. Some claim he floats, but none get close enough to tell.

                  And then he returns from his journey. He shudders, then chuckles, seeming not to notice the crowd. He rolls down off the car.

                  He waves his hands high in the air, and the crowd’s jaws drop in awe. They shudder, then chuckle.

                  Out comes the salesman, who has been keeping eye from his desk. 

                  “I’ll take it,” says the man, plump and bright.

                  The salesman hands the round man the keys in exchange for a sack, light and fat. The exchange is quick, and the man, plump and bright, is soon on his way. He walks down the street barefoot, jingling his new set of keys. The salesman leans against the Volkswagen. Inside the sack he finds happiness. As he empties it, flower petals fall to the ground, some blowing away in the wind. He shudders, then chuckles.


Tuesday, February 24, 2009

The Take-Over

     Have you ever had an emotion or feeling that no matter what you do, you can't lure it out of your mind? Usually it's spurred by something new in your life; an experience, idea, or a person.         
     This feeling IS NOT an obsession. It's just a feeling, like jealousness, sadness, pride, or love. It's a strong feeling that overtakes all other feelings. It keeps you up at night and causes daydreams during the day. 
     You still proceed through your everyday business, normally to others, but obstructed inside your head. 
     Sometimes this feeling is good, sometimes it's bad. And sometimes, you don't know if it's either. 
     The feeling is not always definable. It can be somewhere between love and hate, fear and courage, or desire and disgust. 
     You can have the best day ever, yet this feeling stops you from feeling good. You wish that the trigger of this emotion just didn't exist, yet it does, and it isn't going away. Feelings aren't things that can simply be erased or forgotten- it takes a dramatic turn in that emotion, good or bad to change it. 
     There's questions in my life that I need answered. They consume me. Realistically I know that only time can answer them, yet they have taken over my thoughts and dreams. 
     Inside me I feel the urge for an outcome. Good or bad, I need resolution. I need to get back to "normal." I need to get back to sleeping at night. 
     Have you ever had an emotion or feeling that no matter what you do, you can't lure it out of your mind?

Monday, February 23, 2009

And life goes on...

I always use this analogy to describe my love for fitness to people; Like some people find god or some people find Jesus, I found the weight room. I feel that picking up my first set of dumbells when I was fifteen years old really saved my life, and my love for fitness is something that I know I'll never loose. 
If you don't know me, I'm a personal trainer and aerobics/spin instructor as well as a college english writing/literature major. Those are my two passions, both in which I hope to make a difference by using. 
Last semester and during the winter break from school I really stopped working out and eating healthy. I drank too much and really lost touch with myself. I lost control in all aspects of my life; my friends and family, my social life, all organizational skills... my goals became farther away and my values became blurry. 
I guess the gym is something I keep "finding." I started back up this semester and the addiction returned, along with my organization, a happier-more energetic persona, and a refueled passion. I lost the desire to drink four or five nights a week, and sometimes ever, and I am VERY careful about what I eat. Although it's tedious, I track all of my calories and am right now planning to lean up for two photo shoots in a little over a month from now. It feels great to have goals again.
When I am eating healthy and working out regularly, everything seems to fall into place. The peer pressure to eat our or drink more than one or two drinks is GIGANTIC, and sometimes almost impossible to battle. I struggle with the urge to want to be out with my friends and eating and drinking what they are, with the urge to stay home and be alone to avoid these things. I need to be strong and keep hanging out with my friends; good fitness habits need to be enjoyable and not something that ruins any other part of my life. 
Academically I feel great too. I study a lot and actually started up a study group in my toughest class. A friend of mine, someone at this school who inspires me to work hard toward my goals, showed me something called... well I forgot what she calls it, but I call it a goal board. I bought a bulletin board for my room and tacked up the things that I am pushing for in my life. On the board is a picture of "ripped abs," and the words Bodyfat % less than 10%. Next to that is a picture of a Y and the Yale bulldog over it. This is because I want to go to Yale for graduate school. The numbers/words 3.7 GPA are over that. And last, under that, is a scene of a farm and house in the country. Someday I want to live in the country, in a place with a lot of land and a great place to write and have a family. This means a lot to me. 
I have tons of laundry to fold, and this blog sidetracked me tonight--- I WILL BE MORE CONSISTENT! Goodnight.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

And another...

A Thousand Ways To Say I Love You


Never spoken a single word,

his thoughts are blurred.

My world was torn

when he was born.


My heart is shattered everyday

that he can’t say

I love you Mom;

He can’t stay calm.


And in the car it comes to me—

it set me free;

I’m so proud of

his way of love. 

Just a quick little bit about my last two poems; the one above is about living with an autistic child. I was inspired by some videos I watched on YouTube and also from past experiences helping autistic children play soccer. 

The poem below is just a simple poem about growing up.

New Poem

I used to live out in the woods

with animals that knew my name
and when I spoke they understood
the logic of my made up games.

And when I cried they came to me-
they hurried to my wounded side.
The birds sang from the highest trees
and to my friends I would confide.

When it grew dark I was not scared,
though mother always called me in.
Yet I would never tell her where
the center of my fun had been.

Outside again I'll call them now,
but with the pines I forget how.

Monday, February 16, 2009


Sometimes I don't understand life, the way it works, and why bad things happen over and over and over to good people. Am I a good person? Sometimes I wonder what defines that. Tonight I'm going to bed with a lot of questions... will they ever be answered?

Sunday, February 15, 2009


I find myself, when alone, doing a lot of thinking. I think most people do. Every moment of silence brings on new revelation, and you can figure your life out in one instant, and then be perplexed in the next. 
You find yourself wanting to be someone else, to start over, and then you love who you are. Then you hate who you've become.
It's odd how it works. It's like being alone gives you an infinite time-clock where everything moves slower, and thoughts pass in and out of your mind with no warning. Sometimes you're torn by the them, sometimes enlightened. 
You want to savor the moments; sometimes you're alone for only a little while, and sometimes it feels like forever. Being alone takes many forms: alone in a room, or alone in the world. I think everyone is alone in the world even when surrounded by best friends and family. Nobody really knows how your mind works, not even you. 
When you're alone, you try and figure it out, but you never can. Or if you do, it never lasts. 
Tonight I wan to change the world. I want to be remembered, make a difference, save a life. Tomorrow, life will go on and the things that I value will turn blurry and fade just like the darkness of the night. Do things really clear up, or do they just get more and more dense?

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Two New Poems

Since my website has been under construction forever, I've decided to post some of my work on this blog until further notice. Below you'll find two of the poems I've written in the past few days. Enjoy!


Her fingers run through golden mane,
a man opens a trailer door.
She doesn't cry, even complain--
her family needs the money more.

She hugs his neck, their last charade,
it's silent in the barn tonight.
One thousand dollars will be paid
to take her pony out of sight.

He whimpers soft, looks in her eyes,
and it's apparent that he knows.
She kisses him and says goodbye
then watches as the trailer goes.

There's something missing in the air
and stolen dreams brush through her hair.

While Driving Home

The outside moves by in slow motion
as I drive off in my car,
I barely see the brightness of the ocean.

My day with her, my only notion
but I just can't tell where we are--
the outside moves by in slow motion.

Construction zones causing commotion,
bring traffic jams that stretch back far;
I barely see the brightness of the ocean.

And in my car invades emotion
with loud bass drums and sharp guitars--
the outside moves by in slow motion.

Without a choice, bitter devotion,
it hits me like a clear night's stars.
I barely see the brightness of the ocean.

Couples pass 'round their sun-tan lotion,
seagulls gather on sandy bars,
the outside moves by in slow motion;
I barely see the brightness of the ocean. 

Monday, February 9, 2009

"The only thing permanent is change"

There's been a lot of changes for me lately. I've got really good grades (not that that's a change, but it's something going well), I'm finally in my fraternity and not a pledge, my relationships with certain people are going well, and I've got a pretty good balance with my fitness, work, school, and social life. 
It's just crazy how life works; one day you're stressed, you hate it and don't want to wake up in the morning, and the next everything seems to go according to plan. I feel excited about a lot of things, things coming up and things farther down the road. I'm starting to think about a career and grad school and I actually have a lot of great options to consider.
I've made some of my best friends here at this school, it's been a great semester thus far. Last semester was one I'll never forget.
I think there's a time in life where you're just suddenly happy with who you are. You accept the negative things about you, like the fact that you always procrastinate, can't wake up in the morning, or are terrible at bowling, because they're like mini-battles that you fight every day. You also begin to embrace your good qualities, like being a good friend, always doing your reading homework, or being able to cheer someone up when they're having a bad day. I think that when you can recognize both your own good and bad qualities, you can get through your own good and bad time s a little easier. I feel bad for those without confidence; as lame as it sounds, if you don't love yourself, you can't love another person. If you're confident you can bounce back from anything- rejection, "failure," or any other type of tragedy. 
I don't want to write too much about my relationship with the opposite sex, but I would like to say that when you find something good, it's crazy how it makes you feel. It's like no matter what happens I can't stop smiling and I feel and look stupid all the time. I'm really bad at dating and relationships with girls, and have never really been in anything too serious. I've got all these "guy" questions that I wish someone would answer for me but feel dumb asking, like when should I call, or should I hold her hand, or how do I know what she's thinking... or when is it okay to give a goodbye kiss. It all sounds lame, but I'm pretty sure every guy asks these questions. This is probably the first time in my life I've felt both really good and really awkward about something. I both hate it and love it- ha ha
Enough of this stuff, I'm going to bed.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

"It's been a while"

It has been a while since I've updated this blog. Here's where I am in my life now...

  • I hate school. I feel like I don't belong here and don't care about 50% of my classes. They are unnecessarily boring, "lectury," and  non-relevant to anything in my life.
  • I'm busy working two jobs; one with Cheshire Youth and Social Services and the other with the Rec. Center teaching 5 classes a week. 
  • Personal fitness is important in my life one day and not the other. I work out every day but sometimes I'm more into it than others. However, I still LOVE teaching classes and personal training. 
  • I'm struggling to find a balance between "partying," school, fitness, personal time, and sanity. 
  • My future is open ended; If I'm going to apply to grad. schools I need to know soon, but do I really want to? 
  • Peace Corps.?
  • Also busy and very active with my fraternity and the schools literary magazine. 
Basically I'm really busy and on-and-off stressed. I can't help but feel like something's missing in my life. I've filled up my schedule with all these things but still feel empty in many ways. As the days progress,. the Peace Corps. are sounding more and more like a viable option for me. I need to get away, I want to give back and help others, I need to figure out my life, and I need to detach myself from this environment. All of it. 

I'm going to try and be more consistent with this blog. More soon, hopefully...