Sunday, August 30, 2009

"Everything changes..."

It's incredible just how much you can tell about a person by the way they start their day. By that, I mean literally the way a person gets out of bed can reveal so much about their personality, state of mind, and will to live.
You've got your two polar ends. One person jumps out of bed to an alarm of dance music and is almost immediately singing as he/she picks out the days attire. The opposite of that is the person who, well, just doesn't get up. That person is obviously depressed, maybe suicidal, and probably been through some traumatic life experiences.
Then there's the rest of the people. Everyone gets up in different ways. Some hit the "snooze button on their alarm clocks, some sleep through their alarms, and some wake up slowly and then drag their feet to a refreshing cup of Folgers coffee.
How do you get up in the morning? Do you dress with the lights on, or prepare for your day in darkness. Do you smile when you look in the mirror, or do you dread the day ahead. Do you sit at the side of your bed for a moment, contemplating falling backward back into it, or do you hustle through your mornings routine because you're excited to do whatever you're waking to do.

It's funny too, noticing the change in the way you start your day now compared to how you used to start your day. Maybe you hate your job. Maybe your routine is old and boring. Maybe you've lost the will to live, or lost the electric shock of passion that jolted you awake at sun-up.

I see this change in myself now. I was excited to wake up months ago, but now I can't exactly say the same. This is like a cycle for me; I try something new. I'm happy. I get used to it. I'm unhappy. I strive for change. I make change. Everything starts over.

Maybe this is a good thing. Like I've conquered one mountain and
something inside me, maybe my heart, is telling me "Rob it's time to move on."
Maybe I have some sort of a medical dysfunction. Maybe I'm depressed or
bi-polar. Maybe I'm just too damn cynical.

To best explain what's missing from my life, I'll make a few comparisons.
  • The "high" that drugs or alcohol can do to a person. When you're high, anything and everything else doesn't matter, you're captured in that moment and that time, and you forget certain things that keep you up at night while feeling alive and refreshed.
  • The excitement of an 8 year old on his birthday. There are tons of presents in front of him, but he still can't open them until he blows out his birthday candles. His future sits before him wrapped in all different colors; shiny and dull paper, balloons and clowns on another. Each gift is a new high; one gift may change his life without him ever knowing.
  • The feeling of love. Heart pounding all the time because you can't get that person off your mind. To me, love is a thousand different things. Care, compassion, commitment, passion, and risk to name a few. If one element is weak, that love WILL falter. You can love lots of things besides another person. You can love what you do, how the sky looks; clear and calm after a rainstorm, or the smell of fresh-cut grass which probably means nothing to most people but reminds you of the time when you were young when your father would let you ride on his lap as he mowed the lawn.

I just don't feel alive anymore. I feel like the energy in my life has been sucked away. I can't get excited for things I should be, and I don't love the things I used to. I'm not consciously giving up, but for some reason, I feel myself letting go.

I'm fighting though; trying to plan my next few steps and stay afloat once again. I've got tons of unopened presents in front of me and I'm hoping that just maybe, the next one I open may be the one that changes my life.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

"The runway sings an honest song; it's here I know I don't belong..."

Sometimes I feel trapped. I feel like that bride that you see on made-for-TV-movies who, the night before her wedding, runs off with another guy and bails on all the people waiting to see her get married. Isn't that what "Run Away Bride" is about? I've never seen it, but it sounds like it would be.
All of a sudden I feel married; I've got this house and this job, and this consistency in my life that makes me nervous and nauseous, and all other negative N words (that aren't racial or sexual). Seriously though, thinking that I'm going to be stuck in the same job and in the same place for the next for years, or any prolonged period of time freaks me out. I want to run away.
To be honest, I'm not sure if it all feels right. I'm not sure if it all feels wrong either, I just feel like I'm here to do something more, and haven't figured out what that something more is.
The next five months are looking pretty grim for me. I'm doing a ton of things that should make me happy; taking a class in dietetics, firefighting school, personal training and teaching aerobics, and leading one entire team in a "largest looser" weight-loss competition. For some reason, happy is sometimes the only emotion I don't feel.
I don't think I'm depressed, just kind of in search for something else;
something bigger and something that can give my life clarity and meaning. The
bottom line is this; if you know me and I don't seem myself but can give you no
explanation as to why, it's because deep down inside me, something is missing.

To me, life is like one of those "Magic Eye" books. You know, the books where the right page lists items and on the left side you find them, or something like that. If you know the books that I'm taking about, life to me is exactly like that. There's these items listed there, and you find the first few with no problem, then all of a sudden it asks you to find something obscure, like a shoelace or a pine tree in a forest of oaks. You slam the book shut because you've been looking for a long time, but no matter what you do, something always lures you back to that book. Maybe after a while you find what you're looking for, but maybe you never do. Maybe you never will.
I can be in the gym or driving home at midnight from a late shift of work, and all of a sudden that urge hits me. That urge to figure things out and to find that something that's missing. I know it's there just like I know that somewhere in that book hides a shoelace and a pine tree, but sometimes I wonder if I'll find it, if it'll someday hit me right in the face. Will I always be looking, aimlessly and in the dark, or will I eventually become agitated, tired, and numb, and decide to slam the book shut, forever giving up my search for something that like it or not, eats away at me everyday and every night.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

My Ride Home

I've spent a lot of time thinking. I spent a lot of time thinking tonight.

I guess not being a full-time college student anymore- finally having the chance to do the things I've always wanted to do, kind of gives me the opportunity to figure things out. I do this a lot, try to figure things out. I think too much.

I've always had everything I wanted. I've always been given everything I want, everything I need, and everything I don't. Not everybody drives a brand new truck, has a house at 22, can be successful at his job, prosperous and happy, and not everyone has healthy lungs, working arms and legs, and a strong heart. Sometimes I'm ungrateful.

I think about that a lot. What am I going to do with all those things? Some people who have less, much less, do far greater things, and me, with all that I have been bless-fully given, have so much to give. How can I give?

I don't think everyone really thinks about their purpose, or why they are living and breathing; why they wake up every morning and carry on their lives day in and day out. It's sometimes thoughtless process driven by urge and necessity.

I've come so far, yet I know I have so much more to learn and so much more to do. So many more lives to touch, to change, and to help. It's hard to figure it out sometimes. When things are truly good, when they're not, when to stand by someone, when to leave, when to move on with your life, and when to say "hey, I just can't- not yet." Maybe not ever.

What's this all mean? I'm not so sure, but tonight on my drive home, I thought about it all. I'll think about it tomorrow, and I'll think about it forever. Maybe someday I'll be judged, or maybe someday I'll die and just be gone, proving those scientists right who say that when you're dead, you're dead. maybe I'll be reincarnated, go to heaven and visit lost friends and family, and those I never met.

I just know, that whatever the case may be, I don't want to ever be forgotten.

"Even when you don't know that people are watching you."