Losing Touch

Do you ever feel numb to things and emotions around you that used to easily arouse you? Do you ever feel "un-empowered" or like you just don't engage in the same emotions anymore. It's like a country song I like; "if you're tellin' me I'm not on fire, you're just preaching to the choir, I feel as numb as old barbed wire from livin'..."

I wrote my last post about falling back into old ways, for me that being the routine of work. I think that work overpowers me and pulls me in with full force. Being a homeowner now, I always want to make more money because there's always something I want to do on my land or with my house. Yet, the more I work, the less time I spend home. Some of my work is rewarding, but some of it isn't, and i feel like I'm wasting hours of my life that I should be using in other ways.

I think I'm meant to do more. I think there is more for me out there.

I think we're all meant to do more. I think there is more for everyone out there.

I don't believe in limitations.

We all can do anything we want to. This is obvious with some of my clients who learn to do push-ups after never being able to do one, or who can cut two minutes off of their mile runs in only 8 weeks of training. And they told me they couldn't run.

How do you attain the sensation of value? Can you ever feel like you're doing enough, or does every person always strive to be better, to do more, and to set new goals immediately after the next have been reached.

How do you combat repeated burn-out? It become a cycle, but maybe each time you get stronger, like with weight training, and eventually it just doesn't happen anymore. I'm young and I'll figure it out, right?

Old Ways

Isn't it incredible how no matter what we do, we always seem to fall back into our old ways? Is this you, falling back into who you should be, or who you shouldn't be? For me, this is working a ton of hours, always being busy and never being home. I fought my schedule to create a weekend for myself, and now, within the last few weeks have found myself working 7 days again.

Most people say that it isn't healthy, but my house has been cleaner, I have eaten much better and healthier, and felt more alive and strong since I started working again. Maybe it's just myself falling into the societal role of "we all must work or we're worth nothing." I felt worthless when I was home, was restless, bored, and wanted to get out of the house. Maybe it's the fact that when I'm home, I'm never fully relaxed. Being a new home owner, there's always something to be fixed, cleaned, or gone through. I still haven't mowed my lawn this year.

I find myself wanting to be home, alone, when I am home. I guess being around people all day when you work 14 hour days creates that internal need to just be isolated. I don't want to go out on weekends like most 22 year olds, hate drinking, and would rather be sleeping early to start my day earlier. When I fall from a structured routine, my whole life falls apart.

I can't ever relax unless i'm in my element, at work.

Does anyone else find themselves falling into their old ways or their old habits? can anyone connect to this?

Back at it

Hello,
Not much to say tonight, but a whole bunch to say in upcoming posts. I'm using this blog to keep myself writing, up to date with current events, and also to keep my head AWAY from fitness and anything fitness related. My whole life has been fitness since I turned 16 and although I love helping people achieve their goals, too much of a good thing an be deadly.
Just watched the first episode of season three of Whale Wars and about to catch up on my stack of National Geographic. I hope if you read this blog you'll check Whale Wars out at 9pm on Fridays, although know there will be reruns on Animal Planet frequently. Paul Watson is a hero and an idol to me; his ruthlessness, strength, and courage, are attributes that I seek to engrave in myself as I get older and figure out what the hell I am going to do with my life.

I'm very bothered by this whole Oil Spill on the Gulf Coast. I can't figure out why the hell it happened, why it hasn't been reprimanded more severely (money is nothing to a major corporation, and why it hasn't already been cleaned up. 700 birds already dead? I heard a statistic from a client today who told me that for every one bird that is found dead or harmed by the deadly oil, 4-8 more have been killed are harmed. That means that means that it is possible that close to 6,000 birds are now dead. I haven't heard much about the other marine life, although imagine how many fish are dead, fisherman jobless, and ocean wildlife destroyed. This is the biggest man-caused environmental catastrophe that I have personally lived through and watching it on CNN nearly brings me to tears every time.
I told a friend that I'd drop everything I have now: my home, my life, my jobs here, if I was given an opportunity to get down the gulf and save some of those animals. I'll be in Florida next week and I'm both eager and afraid to see the impact on the spills at the beach.
There has got to be some sort of penalty for BP, especially after over 750 OCEA violations. My client suggested a corporate "death penalty" for such a tragic "accident" and i totally agree with this. That company needs to be shut down. I saw a commercial today, I believe by the national Guard, about American Energy and switching our powering sources to non-oil fueling mechanics. Why isn't more attention being paid to these ideas? If we used some of our money that is currently being put toward overseas battles for oil, we'd have less war, more productivity, and an interdependence solely based in this country.
My next car will absolutely be electric...

The Routine of Things

I love and hate routine. I love it when everything goes as planned, and hate it when everything gets fouled up. I'm training for my bodybuilding show in a month, and now that I'm eating a low carb diet, I'm tired all the time. Conclusively I'm sleeping more, and then I can't sleep at night.

My girlfriend likes the room warm, I like it freezing cold. She always wins. I cannot sleep at night anymore. I'm sweating as we speak.

I don't really have anything intelligent to write tonight, just kind of irritated at myself that I'm going to spend all night not able to sleep, and then all day tomorrow tired and trying to sneak out to my truck to nap. I HATE IT!

There are so many days I hate my job. I want a normal, 9-5 desk-job. I think everyday I want it more. I know I'd be active outside the 9-5 time barrier, and being so active now is aging my body at an untimely rate. Add in the fact that I'm a lunatic.

I'm really giving the field of fitness just a little more time before I say forget about it and do something else. I don't really know what though, my two loves are fitness and writing. Both have no real jobs or career paths, and both aren't considered "real jobs" by society- go figure. Now let me tell you that I'm 50% through with an English degree, and 50% through with an exercise science degree. I'm doomed, huh?

I hate everything

I think one of the toughest things in life is to avoid becoming cynical, period.

You're in a work-place where you feel like you're always walking on egg shells. The house is always a mess; there's always something to clean. The dog wants to go for a walk, every ten minutes. stress levels sky rocket and you can never please everyone- ever.

Recently, I've learned that if you're pissed at somebody, the best way to cope with it is to just flat out tell them. Holding it in is painful and whether they react the way you want or the way you don't, it feels a hell of a lot better afterwords. This works at work (granted you don't get fired, and I thought I might this past week) and it works in any other relationship in your life.

If the people you confront care about you at all, your words will mean something to them and they'll respond, directly or indirectly. Sometimes you've got to let the emotion spill over, anger, tears, and everything in between.

It's hard, I know, but putting down the pounds and pounds you've been lugging around over time feels good, and you'll sleep a lot easier after. Again, trust me on this. I know first hand.

On the other hand, if the people you confront don't care and don't respond, forget about them. That's a place, a job, or a relationship that you don't need. I totally life by the motto surround yourself with those who bring you higher and if certain people in your life don't, then you don't want them in it.

I had about one hour of sleep last night, yet for some reason, after over two months of feeling angry and being cynical, I was excited to go to work today. I was tired as hell, but I still felt incredibly great after my last weeks confrontations, and work went well in my mind, whether things changed or they didn't.

Life is what you make it. If you view it as bad, too hard, depressing, or just plain crappy, that's how it will be. There's always something to look forward to. There's good in so many people, and that is enough to keep me going.

Conclusively, you've just got to let certain things go. You can't please everyone. If you try to, you'll live in pain, twisting and turning with every night's unsuccessful attempt to fall asleep. Sometimes one night of one stress-free hour of sleep is worth more than one night of eight hours of tossing and turning. Believe it.

System Reset

This is quick because it's late, but it's something I needed to do. I NEED to keep myself writing, so if I'm not working on my book, I need to at least get myself to write on here. All of my old followers probably forgot about this blog by now, but that's okay. Maybe I can recruit some new ones? HA.

So, my quick update is that I'm working on a book. More on that to come, but through my job as a personal trainer, I've found a great mentor who actually is a literary agent and is encouraging me to keep writing. The deal is, if I write, she looses weight, and we help each other. It's win win! Writing is something I miss. It's something I need in my life. Every day, some how, in some shape or form.

Life brings on so much, for me it's long and excruciating work hours, training for a fitness competition, being a dog owner and boyfriend, and a new home-owner. Regardless, writing is good for me in many ways, and if I ever want to write a book, I ought to keep punching letters on my Mac.

Encourage me. Yell at me if I don't post. I need this.

Good-night.