Sunday, August 30, 2009

"Everything changes..."

It's incredible just how much you can tell about a person by the way they start their day. By that, I mean literally the way a person gets out of bed can reveal so much about their personality, state of mind, and will to live.
You've got your two polar ends. One person jumps out of bed to an alarm of dance music and is almost immediately singing as he/she picks out the days attire. The opposite of that is the person who, well, just doesn't get up. That person is obviously depressed, maybe suicidal, and probably been through some traumatic life experiences.
Then there's the rest of the people. Everyone gets up in different ways. Some hit the "snooze button on their alarm clocks, some sleep through their alarms, and some wake up slowly and then drag their feet to a refreshing cup of Folgers coffee.
How do you get up in the morning? Do you dress with the lights on, or prepare for your day in darkness. Do you smile when you look in the mirror, or do you dread the day ahead. Do you sit at the side of your bed for a moment, contemplating falling backward back into it, or do you hustle through your mornings routine because you're excited to do whatever you're waking to do.

It's funny too, noticing the change in the way you start your day now compared to how you used to start your day. Maybe you hate your job. Maybe your routine is old and boring. Maybe you've lost the will to live, or lost the electric shock of passion that jolted you awake at sun-up.

I see this change in myself now. I was excited to wake up months ago, but now I can't exactly say the same. This is like a cycle for me; I try something new. I'm happy. I get used to it. I'm unhappy. I strive for change. I make change. Everything starts over.

Maybe this is a good thing. Like I've conquered one mountain and
something inside me, maybe my heart, is telling me "Rob it's time to move on."
Maybe I have some sort of a medical dysfunction. Maybe I'm depressed or
bi-polar. Maybe I'm just too damn cynical.

To best explain what's missing from my life, I'll make a few comparisons.
  • The "high" that drugs or alcohol can do to a person. When you're high, anything and everything else doesn't matter, you're captured in that moment and that time, and you forget certain things that keep you up at night while feeling alive and refreshed.
  • The excitement of an 8 year old on his birthday. There are tons of presents in front of him, but he still can't open them until he blows out his birthday candles. His future sits before him wrapped in all different colors; shiny and dull paper, balloons and clowns on another. Each gift is a new high; one gift may change his life without him ever knowing.
  • The feeling of love. Heart pounding all the time because you can't get that person off your mind. To me, love is a thousand different things. Care, compassion, commitment, passion, and risk to name a few. If one element is weak, that love WILL falter. You can love lots of things besides another person. You can love what you do, how the sky looks; clear and calm after a rainstorm, or the smell of fresh-cut grass which probably means nothing to most people but reminds you of the time when you were young when your father would let you ride on his lap as he mowed the lawn.

I just don't feel alive anymore. I feel like the energy in my life has been sucked away. I can't get excited for things I should be, and I don't love the things I used to. I'm not consciously giving up, but for some reason, I feel myself letting go.

I'm fighting though; trying to plan my next few steps and stay afloat once again. I've got tons of unopened presents in front of me and I'm hoping that just maybe, the next one I open may be the one that changes my life.

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