Thursday, January 8, 2009

Who Am I?

I had a long talk today with a good friend of mine about life and how I feel like I'm living about three of them. I literally feel like I'm more than one person, sometimes living one persona, and sometimes living another. 

One part of me is the "fitness guy." I'm a personal trainer who once aspired to be a bodybuilder. I lived my life on a very strict regiment, scheduling out every meal and completing multiple work-outs a day. I felt good being a role model; I didn't drink or eat bad or "party" and I took myself very seriously. I had very defined goals. They were written in quote form on my walls or in my gym locker, and a picture of a "ripped guy" with an 8-pack was in my wallet so whenever I went to order food, I'd see the body I was working for and not make an unhealthy choice. 

Another part of me is the "I want to change the world" guy. I went on mission trips and leadership conferences and volunteered on a regular basis. I cared about people so much that my entire life revolved around helping others. During this stage of my life, I felt more compassion than ever before and felt more alive than I ever had in my entire life. I felt a sense of purpose. 

Then there's the "aspiring writer guy." Writers write, and spend a lot of time doing so. I mean A LOT of time. It's something that has to be taken seriously. Time needs to be set aside every day to do it and it requires strict time management and discipline. This is the nerdiest and geekiest me, yet it is sometimes the most enjoyable. 

And last there's the "frat. guy." I just joined a fraternity last semester and it's been an amazing experience. When I was pledging for the fraternity, all my friends told me that it didn't fit my lifestyle and who I wanted to be, but they were and still are very wrong. I can't explain how good it has been for me to be part of something this great, and to know that no matter what, there's somebody there to help me out when I ever need it. Being part of this fraternity has taught me so many life lessons, and I have met some great and caring guys who have made it much easier to transition into my new school. Without this fraternity, I would have dropped out of my new school, hands down. However, sometimes living the Greek lifestyle involves partying, drinking, staying out late, and can get in the way with school and other things.

So every day I struggle with who I want to be. I CANNOT be all of these things, and some of them are so conflicting, yet I can see myself wearing any of the above persona's shoes. I'm very comfortable with me and who I am, I just don't know which me I want to be. I'd love to say I'm happy with this conflicting life, but sometimes I'm not. It's sort of depressing sometimes and I wish it was easier to figure everything out. 

This is the reason I've switched schools so much. Every so often I change into a "different persona" with different career goals and attitudes about life. I've switches from exercise science, to teaching, to social work, to writing, and I still have no idea what I want to do with my life. 

I hate these feelings, but it feels good to write them down. Night...

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