I wish I were in California, or somewhere warm. I wish I were outside, on a beach or in a forest. I wish I could feel alive again, among other's who carried me high and all longed to live and breathe for good and not "just because." I want to do more with my life, better things, and I wake up so many days feeling that I'm wasting my days putting half of my effort into school and slowly letting myself fall behind.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
::The Dreamer's Disease::
Every so often, I fell into this sort of depression; I wake up, don't want to be awake, yet have to be, and am in a terrible mood all day. Sometimes this lasts a day, sometimes a few, and sometimes over a week.
I hate my life, the direction I'm headed, and the past I've lived. Nothing can cheer me up and only sad music and being alone gives me any sort of relief. Everyone bothers me; I tell them how I feel or cut them short, and then I've got more on my mind.
Like in The Way Of The Peaceful Warrior, I try and detach myself from my stress, but usually I can't fully pinpoint it.
I sit in front of my computer, or holding a book in an attempt to do school work but no matter what I do, my mind wanders to something else. This isn't some kind of disorder, like ADD that I can't control, it's my heart telling me I need to be somewhere else. I still haven't finished that paper that was due on Wednesday. I have a book, actually two books, that should be read by Tuesday that aren't, and I've missed several other papers that should have been more important to me but were put aside for personal reading or writing.
I'm not failing out of school or anything like that; my grades are OK. The things that I complete are always good, A's or B's, but OK isn't good enough for me... I'm my own biggest critic.
I feel like I'm sleepwalking through life, like I need to be doing something else but I don't know what. I need a sign, some guidance, something to help me figure this all out. What am I meant to be doing with my life?
I didn't post this to complain or cry to whoever reads this. I posted it for those to identify. Life can be lonely, and for those who can relate to today's post, I wanted to be sure you knew that if you feel this way, you're not going through it alone.
This morning, I didn't want to wake up, but I did. I had to, we all have to. There has to be a purpose for all of us, and I feel that if we listen, we'll find it; we'll hear it.
I'm trying to listen more in an attempt to hold my head up, but today in particular has been hard. Maybe it's because I've been alone for almost a week now in this apartment, or maybe it's because today was the day that I needed to start asking questions again.
Everything does happen for a reason, doesn't it?