Sunday, March 1, 2009
"Nobody ever taught me how to live..."
Lately I've felt like a completely different person. I've been pretty focussed on school, VERY focussed on diet and nutrition, and found myself less concerned with superficial relationships and other factors in my life. I don't know what happened, it's almost like something just clicked inside of me and said "wake up man, you're here to do more."
I've also had this urge to "get out" or "get away" lately. Like there's people somewhere in this world that are more like me, and I just need to figure out a way to meet them. They're not here.
And yes I'm lonely.
I feel alone because the things that I believe in, value, and drive me toward my goals are things that I share with no one, yet I know there's people out there who think the way I do. I'm sick and tired of fitting into these "molds" here in college. I just want to be myself and do what makes me feel happy and satisfied.
At least I feel as though I'm moving forward. There's times I feel that I'm not, or worse, I'm back tracking in my own shoes. Lately I've been accomplishing a lot, and proving a lot of things to myself. I'm a lot more confident now. I've found this confidence within the last few weeks and again, I don't know where it came from.
I'm also struggling with A LOT of internal conflicts. Nothing I want to post on this blog, but they deal with both relationships and addictions. These things have nothing to do with anyone; it's all within me.
My biggest struggle is something I have heard a lot about before I ever struggled with it. It's something I've been told of and warned of, and something I've felt since the day I started college four years ago. Everything around me is different now; but they haven't changed... I have.
I find it hard to adapt.
I want to start over everyday. It's one of my goals- it's something that drives me to graduate college with good grades, and hopefully soon I'll be out of here... at least for a while.
California is ideal, it's where I feel I belong right now. It's where I plan to be very soon.