Thursday, March 26, 2009

Reflections from back on the east coast...

     Coming back across the county has been tough. I already feel it--the pressure to be someone I'm not, the pressure to do things I don't want to, the pressure to loose focus on my goals and the things I've been dreaming of. It's so hard to stay consistent and be who I want to be, and who I am.
I told my friend this in California; it's so crazy that some of my closest friends have ended up being some of my worst enemies. 
     Not that they try to: I conformed to what people wanted me to be, and now trying to find myself again has been hard. I know the path I want to take, and every day I fight battles to stay on it. 
     These battles are hard, and I WON'T win them all, but at the end of the day, I need to be able to get back up from my loss and remember who I am. I want to be a role model, someone that people look up to and talk about. I want people to tell their friends "he's a great guy." "He's got a good heart." 
      Back across the country, it's hard living in a place where nobody quite "gets" me. When nobody understands how you tick, they don't know what's bothering you, or if they're hurting you, and people around me here are relentless. Some days I want to fight on, and some days I want to break down. 
      It seems as though loneliness is a common theme for me. It may be my biggest fight to come. The question is, how can I defeat it?

1 comment:

Dave Estes Estes said...

~ Being human is the most terrible loneliness in the universe. ~
A.A. Attanasio